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Death



The things of importance, are ignored or forgotten. Words of love without actions, yelling, screaming, losing ones self, losing respect and esteem. Living with dishonesty, unable to trust. Lies falling from his lips. when does it stop. Tells me he loves me. But thinks of her instead. Spends time so easily, as long as it isn't with me. Selfish and thoughtless, he thinks I dont know. He thinks I'm unfeeling. But what does he know. So busy with her, leaves no time with me, is it all worth it? That remains to be seen. Knowing i'm jealous, knowing I'm scared, knowing I'm lonely, knowing I'm sad. Do these things really matter? He says that they do, but when push comes to shove, my aloneness is true. He gives me his promise. He says he wont stray. But he's said it before, and it's a lie everytime. I so want to trust him. I want to have faith. i want just to love him. I will not betray. But dishonesty lingers. He hides defensivly. Why should he hide things, if his feelings are for me. I love him so deeply, I need him as well. He doesnt need anything. So I live in hell. I want to be needed. I need him to want (me). I expect him to love me. I'm owed no dishonesty. How can he want me, when he's thinking of her. Does he imagine her when with me? I wont ever know. My guess is not always, but probably sometimes. He wished I were she. Or that she was I. The grass always greener? He's thought so for years. Each time he's felt in love with someone else. I guess i should be used to it. But the pain doesnt stop. Nothing ever good enough. What is it I want. I want to be needed. I need to be loved. I have to be wanted. I expect to feel trust. Basic emotion...lust present in spades. His body still wants me, but I want the rest. All or nothing. His heart and his mind. His soul filled with longing, To hold me inside. I give these up easily, what makes it so hard? Why does he need her to share his soul. Death is a blessing. Just lay down and let go. If I cant let go with him, then I'll do it alone. Without him it's pointless. No reason for me. What I am is because of my love for him.
When it's gone I am dead.

M.R.H.
1997




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