Death
The things of importance, are ignored or forgotten. Words of love without
actions, yelling, screaming, losing ones self, losing respect and esteem.
Living with dishonesty, unable to trust. Lies falling from his lips.
when does it stop. Tells me he loves me. But thinks of her instead.
Spends time so easily, as long as it isn't with me. Selfish and
thoughtless, he thinks I dont know. He thinks I'm unfeeling. But what
does he know. So busy with her, leaves no time with me, is it all worth
it? That remains to be seen. Knowing i'm jealous, knowing I'm scared,
knowing I'm lonely, knowing I'm sad. Do these things really matter? He
says that they do, but when push comes to shove, my aloneness is true.
He gives me his promise. He says he wont stray. But he's said it
before, and it's a lie everytime. I so want to trust him. I want to
have faith. i want just to love him. I will not betray. But dishonesty
lingers. He hides defensivly. Why should he hide things, if his
feelings are for me. I love him so deeply, I need him as well. He
doesnt need anything. So I live in hell. I want to be needed. I need
him to want (me). I expect him to love me. I'm owed no dishonesty.
How can he want me, when he's thinking of her. Does he imagine her
when with me? I wont ever know. My guess is not always, but probably
sometimes. He wished I were she. Or that she was I. The grass always
greener? He's thought so for years. Each time he's felt in love with
someone else. I guess i should be used to it. But the pain doesnt
stop. Nothing ever good enough. What is it I want. I want to be
needed. I need to be loved. I have to be wanted. I expect to feel
trust. Basic emotion...lust present in spades. His body still wants
me, but I want the rest. All or nothing. His heart and his mind.
His soul filled with longing, To hold me inside. I give these up
easily, what makes it so hard? Why does he need her to share his
soul. Death is a blessing. Just lay down and let go. If I cant let
go with him, then I'll do it alone. Without him it's pointless. No
reason for me. What I am is because of my love for him.
When it's gone I am dead.
M.R.H.
1997
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