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I open my eyes,
The world is spinning,
Spinning faster than a cyclone,
My head swims,
My knees buckle,
I close my eyes,
It pains my head to keep them open,
My head is throbbing,
My whole body sways against vertigo,
I feel like someone has ripped,
Ripped my stomach open,
So that the acids might burn my insides,
Acid bubbles in my throat,
I choke and try to force it down,
I try to relax and clear my mind,
The dull throbbing persists,
It begins to gain strength,
I can hardly bear it anymore,
I want to tear my head open,
And let the pain out,
I feel akin to Zeus,
When Athena sprang from his head,
I feel the devil's tug at my body,
Is Lucifer the cause of my pain,
Or is it God and his followers,
Telling me who and what I must be,
How and why I should act,
And how I am already judged,
Judged and damned to eternal embrace,
With the lord of deception and trickery,
Because I do not choose religion,
Because I choose my own path,
My own road to faith and enlightenment,
That in the end will free or damn me,
The world is spinning ever faster before my eyes,
I cannot remain standing any longer,
The force exerted on me pushes,
Pushes me into a sedentary position,
The force threatens to push me on my back,
And pin me like some invisible wrestler,
I try to resist the force,
I try to remain sitting,
But it is futile and I am pinned,
I am lying flat on the ground,
The breath being slowly driven,
Driven from my lungs as I try to hold it in,
I am bordering on blackout,
The unconsciousness before death,
I gasp for air but there is none,
I force my eyes open one last time,
I am on the floor of my room,
Sweat is streaming from every pore,
The feeling of nausea still lingering,
I am gripped by a feeling of disorientation,
Of not knowing why I am where I am,
My mind clears and my body calms,
Vertigo has released me from its grip,
I try to go to sleep for I am drained,
However, I cannot, so I lay there,
Hoping above all that the vertigo does not return.

October 1996

Copyright October 1999